Dreamseller- An Addiction Memoir by Brandon Novak

I just finished reading a book called Dreamseller- a memoir written by skateboarder Brandon Novak about his heroin addiction.

I read a LOT of memoirs about drug addiction. It's oddly one of my favorite topics to read about. And I always watch the show on A&E called Intervention.

The closest I come to having a substance abuse problem is my relationship with Diet Coke. I've tried giving it up numerous times, but I seem to always slip up and get back on it. I start by thinking, "I've been doing so well without Diet Coke. I really deserve to reward myself. I'll have just one"...and the next thing you know I'm back to drinking it almost daily. I've also suffered the withdrawals of not having it- the headache. But it doesn't serve as a deterrent in becoming a regular user again the next time.

But Diet Coke, as far as we know, isn't lethal. It's just a little vice I have. I've never done anything I'm ashamed of because of Diet Coke. I've never lied about it, or hidden the fact that I drink it. I've never stolen anything in order to have money to buy more of it. My life doesn't focus around my use of Diet Coke. So I realize, I have no true understanding of the experiences of a true drug addict.

This memoir, Dreamseller was so honest, it made me almost sick in a few parts. It also didn't have a nice and tidy ending- which I think when it comes to addiction, is so truthful. The book begins, "I am a 25 year old junkie, sleeping in an abandoned garage in one of the worst parts of Baltimore City. My eyes are open." and ends about 250 pages later with, "I am a 29 year old junkie, lying in my girlfriend's bed, in a quiet suburb of Baltimore City. My eyes close." There's certainly more peace at the end of the book and he's in a much better place, but he will always be an addict. And from his own experiences, and those of some of his friends, he knows his addiction could rear it's ugly head at any time.

This is It!

It's official.

The 30s can suck it. I am totally done with them.

Today, I turn 40. I just got back from a walk with my two favorite gals, which gave me a little quiet time to think about this whole 4-0 thing.

I was thinking of different milestones-

Turning 10. Which I don't even remember. As if I was a different person then. Because I was a kid. So therefore, yeah, I kind of was a different person. A kid person, as opposed to a bonafide adult. 10 barely counts. I don't remember thinking 10 was anything monumental. Other than it just being another one of my birthdays, which was always a little monumental!

Turning 20. I remember just wishing it was 21. That seemed like a much cooler age to be. But by 20 I had already met Fermin. I was in college. I sorta knew where life was heading. I thought I knew way more than I actually did.

Turning 30. I remember this one pretty well. I remember thinking the 20s were behind me, and my youth was fading away. I laid in bed until noon, got up and looked in a hand held mirror at any wrinkles or blemishes I had. I thought, "I've already got some problems here, and there's only more to come." But the 30s were pretty good. In fact, my early 30s were pretty great. But Mom died when I was 36, and that woke me up to the idea that people I love in this life are not always going to be around. I started thinking a lot more about mortality. I don't think those thoughts ever crossed my mind in my 20s.

And today. Turning 40. Maybe I can more easily assess it once I'm looking back on it. For now, it sounds old. It doesn't feel old though. And I don't even realize that I'm looking older over the years because I look in the mirror everyday. The changes are so gradual I barely realize it's happening. Until I look at someone in one of those younger age brackets. Or overhear one of them talking to their friends. Then it becomes clear that yes, they are very young, and I am not.

I don't think turning 40 feels great. And, I don't think it feels all that bad. Turning 40 didn't really just happen in a day. It's taken me years-40 to be exact- to get here.

One day, I hope to be 80. I hope it all happens so gradually that it just sorta sneaks up on me like 40 has.

(And by the way, I looked up the term "middle age" to see exactly what age that refers to. I found out, I've still got 5 years to go before I am middle aged.)

Bummer

Yes, I know things could be worse. I know that I have very little to complain about.
But I am feeling so bummed out today.

Bummer days are like that. You feel bummed out, and the reasons don't even have to be all that big.

But please, honor me by letting me complain here.

Both of my ears are stopped up- which I've never really experienced. I feel like I'm on an airplane, and I'm either ascending, or descending and I need to chew some gum so I can pop my ears. But I'm on level ground...and there's no popping going on.

Also, I have laryngitis. Which not only feels exhausting but also makes me quite nervous. A few years ago, I had a recurring vocal problem and could never count on my voice to be there when I had a gig. It went on for months, and months. This time, I'm sure it's just a passing thing, but I fear it won't go away quickly. I'm scheduled to sing at 3pm this coming Saturday.

And all I feel like doing is sleeping. So today, while sitting at my kitchen table eating my breakfast and feeling exhausted already I was thinking, WHY am I feeling so bummed out? Is it because I don't feel like my usual self? Is it because my 30s are winding down and I've got this big 40th birthday looming over me? Is it because like a kid, I think my birthday is cause for the world to stop for at least a few hours and say, "YAHOO, KERRI!!"- but I'm pretty sure it's not going to stop?

I found myself crying over missing my mom last night. This still happens and often catches me off guard. Every time it does, I realize feeling sad about her just makes me feel ...sad. There's nothing to be done that makes me feel better, or miss her less. And it will never end.

So boo hoo. I just wanted to write a post of honesty. Not all days are good. I don't always see the bright side of things. I'm an optimistic person, but can feel downright negative at times.

I just hope this mood passes over quickly. I hope my voice returns soon enough. And I hope my ears stop hurting and open up. And I do hope the world will stop- however briefly- on Wednesday to say "YAHOO, KERRI!"

The Right Ingredients

While out playing tonight, I had some technical problems with feedback. My voice was all phlegmy and hoarse from being sick earlier this week. It was hot and sticky playing outside on the patio, and my hair kept blowing into my mouth while I was singing. Oh, and I got a couple of bug bites.

But you know what? It was a great night!

Which makes me realize, it's not how my voice sounds, how well I play, or how I feel, or even how many people show up. I think it's just the vibe created by the people that are there. Sometimes it feels like we're all connected, and really just having a relaxed night out together. I love it when I feel like I'm just playing for a group of friends. Having dogs around helps- because they're automatically friends with everyone, and there were a few up there tonight. Having just one or two dedicated clappers helps as well, because of their fine example, soon everyone is clapping and once people are clapping, it sorta means we're all having a good time and enjoying things.

So the bugs can bite, the temperatures can soar, my voice can crack, and my guitar can buzz and as long as happy people and dogs surround me, it's all very good...

Shiny and New

Yesterday, after posting my latest blog entry about my laptop, my "vintage" laptop, that was beginning to have un-fixable problems, I opened up an early birthday gift from my husband.

I was in the tub soaking earlier that morning when the doorbell rang. Now let me tell you, I pretty much never answer my door to unexpected guest-- especially not while bathing- but oddly, I got out of the tub, looked out the window, saw that it was the FedEx truck and ran to the front door in my towel. Just as I opened the door, the FedEx man was walking away- but I caught him just in time, and was able to sign for the package, without dropping my towel.

I wasn't expecting anything, but the box had my name on it. It occured to me that I better not rip into it, because it could be an early birthday present for me. There were no clues on the box as to where it came from, who sent it, what was inside, etc. So I called my husband at work and asked him if he knew anything about it. He told me that yes, it was an early birthday present for me, but no big deal and I could just go ahead and open it if I wanted to. I told him I'd just wait until he got home.

Then my whole day happened and I sorta forgot about the package that was "no big deal" anyway. Like my blog said, I went to the Apple store, found out my laptop was vintage and could no longer be (at least regarding certain things) repaired. Boo hoo for me.

By the time my husband got home, I was building my case for why we should start thinking about getting me a new computer. As I was making my points, he was opening the box that had been delivered earlier that morning.

He looked at me and said, "Ok, close your eyes." He pulled out whatever had been inside the box and put it right in front of me on the kitchen counter. I started getting really excited and impatient saying, "Hurry up! I'm about to look!" Finally he said, "Ok- Open your eyes!" And there it was: My new computer.

Oh.

My.

God.

Could the timing have been anymore freaky? And awesome? He had ordered it last week. It traveled all the way from China and got here in just a few days. Right on my doorstep, just after I had been told I could no longer keep repairing my other one anymore.

This is my first blog- of many more, I'm sure- to write with the new computer! I love the clickity sounds this new keyboard makes. Love the way the keyboard is all lit up! Love the larger screen. Love it. Love it. Love it. It's sleek. And shiny. And new. It feels a lot like it did when I got the other laptop 5 years ago. Yay for me!

Vintage Smintage

Usually when things such as clothes, wine and cars are labeled vintage, they're considered something of high quality and even more valuable as they have aged. However when a computer is referred to as vintage, it has a different meaning, as I learned today.

After experiencing a new problem with my computer last night, I took it up to the Apple Store today. The cd/dvd player of my computer has "failed", I was told. The man helping me looked up repair/replacement options for me. I can get some little external thing to load cds with. But as far as a repair on my computer, it's no longer an option. Why? Because my little 2004 iBook G4 is now considered a vintage product. So in this case, vintage means "we’re not going to repair it for you anymore."

I remember how happy I was when I first got this computer. I remember how I literally (no pun intended!) thought it was going to change my life. I thought I would carry it around with me everywhere and stop in little coffee shops and write my brains out. Well, I sorta have. I started my blog with this computer. I've written hundreds of posts. I've kept a personal journal for no one but me. I've recorded things Mom has said to me that I never, ever want to forget. I've written up my lyrics on here. Oh, and I've fired off lots of emails with this keyboard!

Sort of like a sweet old lady, my computer may move a little slower and look a little older, especially if she were to be placed next to one of those shiny new Mac laptops. Oh, but she's still very active in her community!

So I write this post today in a coffee shop, drinking a chai tea and typing away. This computer really HAS changed my life! If it hadn't been so convenient to get out and use all the time, I never would have done all the writing that I have. Thru all this writing, I've learned things about myself and really pinpointed how I feel about lots of different things. And I have drudged up so many memories- both good and bad, but mostly good- with all this tapping away I've done on this keyboard over the past 5 years.

I'd hardly consider this iBook vintage, but then I wouldn’t really describe myself as middle-aged. Labels are just words we attach to things. You can give those labels your own meaning. Vintage can mean something holds so much sentimental value that it can hardly contain it all! Just like middle-aged can mean having more wisdom and insight!
Words….words….words…
And how I love them.

The Incredible Edible Egg

I love eggs.
I love that by making such slight adjustment when cooking them, they can turn out so different! Scrambled, fried, boiled, over-easy, omelette, fluffy omelette,...

Yesterday my friend and I went to eat at Toulouse and we both ordered the Croque-Madame sandwich- which is basically a ham and swiss cheese sandwich but with the added magic of a fried egg on top. Oh, yum.

We both agreed that it was delicious and we then went on to discuss how cool eggs are. They're easy, reliable, versatile and healthy. And who knew about this egg on a sandwich thing? Well, apparently the French did, but I just found out about it.